Remembering someone special at Christmas

‘You never get over it. You just learn to live with it’: Neil remembers Sharon at Christmas.

When Neil puts up his Christmas lights this year, he will think of his wife Sharon. This December, he will return to ellenor in Gravesend for Lights of Love, where he will dedicate a light to her alongside others remembering someone they love.

When Neil puts up his Christmas lights this year, he will be thinking about Sharon.

Christmas had not always been Sharon’s favourite time of year. When they first got together, she told Neil she didn’t like it. He loved it.

So one year, without telling her, he covered their house in lights.

“When she drove into our cul-de-sac, she could see the house all lit up,” he says. “When she came in, she said, ‘I absolutely love it. I never liked Christmas, but now with you, Christmas is special.’”

Neil would put lights around the front of the house, along the gutters and across the garage. Their Christmas tree was decorated with lights and baubles, including photographs of the two of them.

Every Christmas Eve, they would go to Bluewater. The shops would be full of people rushing around buying presents. They would have something to eat and then go to the cinema.

“When you come out of the cinema, there is no one around. It’s peaceful, and it’s just me and her,” he says.

They would take a photograph of themselves every year.

“That was our Christmas.”

Christmas became even more significant when, during Covid, Neil proposed to Sharon on Christmas Day. Unable to go anywhere, he created a virtual world in Minecraft and proposed to her through a VR headset, while her daughters watched.

Sharon died in September 2025.

Last Christmas was Neil’s first without her.

He still went to the cinema on Christmas Eve.

“It was tough,” he says. “I cried in the film. But the film was Avatar, so it wasn’t really a weeping film.”

When he came out, he took the photograph they had always taken.

Christmas Day was different too. Neil chose to spend it at home with his dog, going for a walk as he and Sharon used to and having Christmas dinner when he wanted it.

“By having Christmas on my own, I didn’t have to pretend,” he says. “I was very content being on my own. I was at peace with it.”

He even found himself watching programmes Sharon used to watch, including Call the Midwife.

“I suddenly realised that I was watching the things that she would watch, not the things I would watch normally,” he says. “That made me smile.”

Neil says there are things about losing Sharon that are hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been through it.

“You can be in a group of people, but still feel very alone,” he says. “It’s difficult to explain what it’s like when you sit down to dinner and the person who should be sitting beside you isn’t there.”

In the months after Sharon died, Neil found it difficult to leave the house or speak to people.

Then, shortly before Christmas, he went to ellenor’s Bereavement Cuppa.

He had expected a room full of people crying. Instead, as he approached the door, he heard laughter.

“I’m like, ‘This can’t be the right place.’”

It was.

He didn’t know anyone when he walked through the door.

“These people weren’t sitting crying. They were having conversations and smiling.”

Neil stayed and returned the following week.

“The second hour that I was there flew by,” he says. “I was like, ‘Oh, okay. See you next week.’”

At the Bereavement Cuppa, Neil could talk about Sharon without worrying about making anyone uncomfortable if he became upset.

Neil says one of the hardest things about bereavement is that people who have not experienced it themselves often do not know what to say.

“People should be able to talk about their lost love,” he says.

He has also learned that grief does not have a timetable.

“Grief is not just losing the person,” he says. “You lose your future. Everything that you have planned has gone. And you kind of lose a bit of you. You’re not the same.”

He describes grief as carrying a boulder.

“At the beginning, it’s weighing you down. Then, as you learn how to carry it, you can reduce the size and put it in your pocket. You carry it with you all the time.”

“You never get over it. You just learn to live with it. Sharon wanted me to live, as she said, live for both of us, and that’s kind of what I’m doing.”

Neil will be at Lights of Love this year. For him, it is about keeping Sharon’s memory alive.In early December, around 200 people will gather at ellenor in Gravesend for Lights of Love, an evening to remember the people they love and come together with others who understand.

For Neil, it is about keeping Sharon’s memory alive.

“I think the most important thing for me is keeping that memory alive.”

He believes people should not be afraid to talk about someone who has died or about the love they still have for them.

“The love is still very much alive for that person because it doesn’t end when they die.”

At Lights of Love this year, Neil will dedicate a light to Sharon.

He will also put up the lights at home, decorate the Christmas tree and put out the baubles with their photographs.

“I will put the lights up. I’ll put the trees up. I’ll put the decorations, and the baubles for me and Sharon on it, and I’ll raise a glass to her.”

For Neil, the lights are a way of keeping Sharon’s memory close, both at home and at ellenor’s Lights of Love.

“I think she would be really proud that I’m celebrating and keeping her alive.”

Remember someone you love this Christmas.

Lights of Love is a free event at ellenor in Gravesend on year is Saturday 5^th December bringing people together at Christmas to remember someone they love.

Supporters can dedicate a light in their memory. They will receive two paper stars – one to keep on their own Christmas tree and another to return to ellenor to hang on the tree there.

Donations help ellenor provide care, comfort and support to families when they need it most.

Find out more and make a donation here